Let Me Be Your Star

So, I've started watching this new show that NBC is putting out called SMASH. It's about the backstage world of Broadway: auditions, workshops, show writing, affairs. It makes me realize that I am so small. I would love to be on Broadway someday. Or even in the movies. But something about live theatre just thrills me to bits. For two hours you have a special relationship with the hundreds of people in the audience. I love it. For two hours I'm the center of attention. I revel in it. For two hours I am loved. It's what keeps me alive. This is why I am a theatre major. Am I aware that there are a million other people trying to do the same thing? Yes. Am I aware that there are better people then me? Of course! However, I do think that someday there is going to be a part that is mine. All mine. And I will find it and I will take it and that will be when everything I have worked for since I was in 1st grade has paid off. After saying all this I realize that I sound so sure of myself. I promise I'm not. I'm scared to death. There are so many things that could go wrong. There are so many critics who say that I'm not pretty enough, not talented enough, not thin enough, my voice is too low, my accent is terrible, there are other people better than me, et cetera and so on. You name it, I have probably heard it. All I can really do is learn and practice. This is my answer to the people who ask me why I'm crazy enough to do three plays at once. Currently, I am Little Lanette Blossom in Last Days at the Dixie Girl Cafe, Shamelessly Lazy Person in the Gluttony play for Seven Play for Seven Sins, and La Maestra y Encapuchado Septimo in Los Papeles del Infierno (I don't speak Spanish). Besides these, I will continue to expand my horizons and search for my part.

In the Dark

Today is one of those days where I disconnect with the world. I stay by myself. I don't understand what's going on around me and I don't want to. I wrap myself in my fantasy world because the real world is too much right now. My friends think I'm just being silly when they call my name and I don't listen and I stare into space and wander down the road. But I'm not. I was once told by someone that if they saw me being unhappy, they would be seriously worried about me. You know, sometimes I'm not happy. And it's okay. Sometimes I cry for no reason and I'm fine. I'm always fine. I'm never not fine. I'm fine disengaging because I can't handle looking the truth in the face. My heart is broken and I don't know if it will ever fix itself. I can't get over it. And since I know that only one or two people are reading this I can say what I have needed to since you stopped talking to me. E.M: I'm sorry. I'm so so so sorry. I didn't mean it and I didn't want it to happen. And I love you. I love you more than I ever realized. And I miss you. It's like a piece of my heart is gone, because it is. And I want things to go back to the way that they used to be. But more than anything, I want you to talk to me again. Because it has been a year since you started ignoring me, and it is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. And I know you meant it that way. But I forgive you, because it is all my fault.

That's it. It's off my chest. Time for Romance and Cigarettes.