Don't Forget Me, I Beg

So, I have the normal fears: spiders, bugs in general, falling, fire, tornados, the list goes on and on. The bottom line is that I'm scared of a lot of things. But there is one fear I have that kind of stands alone. I think other people probably have this fear too, but it is always there for me. I have the horrible terror of being forgotten. Not forgotten like people are going to forget that I went somewhere and they can't find me. Forgotten like everything I've ever done or will ever do is for nothing. I started to feel that way when I went back to visit my high school. People were excited to see me for a few minutes, but it was like they didn't actually care that it was me. It was as if I was just something breaking up the monotony of their day. Even people I thought I was really close to merely said hi and went on their way. Did my leaving really not have that much of an effect on them? Is this the way it is with everyone? Out of sight, out of mind? Did they even consider that I never stop thinking about them? Or how they are doing? Am I really not that memorable? I know I talk a little loudly and I know I talk a lot. It's because I'm so afraid that even though I'm there, if I don't say anything they will forget me. I want to be noticed, and I want so badly to be remembered. In twenty years, if someone from my high school hears my name I want them to be able to say, "Yea, I remember her." People think it is funny to leave me places, because I can't find my way back. But it kills me when they do that. Even though it's a joke. And it isn't because I'm so afraid of being lost. It's because it breaks my heart that I'm so easy to forget and just leave somewhere. The day you all came back to get me because I was standing in the middle of the intersection crying, I wasn't crying because I was lost. I was crying because you were my best friends. And you forgot me. Part of my love of being on stage is because for those two hours, I am not forgotten. There is someone looking at me, and watching me, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. Because when they look back on that show, they will sure as hell remember me. So there it is, my biggest fear. Whether you love me or hate me, it doesn't really matter. At least you are thinking of me.

Oh Mother...

So, I have spent the last week being my mother while she was out of town. This involved making sure the house was open house ready, cooking dinner, driving carpool, making sure everyone has the medicine they need, giving my sister money, and being sent on errands for eggnog (multiple times). I have discovered that I do not appreciate what my mother does nearly enough. I had to take Caitlin to carpool at 6:30 every morning. Do you know the last time I got up that early? January. And my mother does this every day! I really don't know how. Because I am exhausted. Another thing: cooking. In theory, sounds easy, in practice... it's about a hundred million billion times harder than it sounds. I am surprised that I didn't give anyone food poisoning. It is that difficult. I can never figure out when things are done, and they get done on the outside by not the inside... it is a horribly frustrating experience. Therefore, to all the amazing beautiful mommies that make this their lives: You are super awesome wonderful people. And I definitely think I can wait a few years or more before becoming a mommy myself. Because all this plus baby sleep deprivation... yea, I can wait.

Freshman Year in Retrospect

So, I am finally home from my first year of college. All I can say is, wow. This year has been full of ups and downs, twists and turns, and tears and laughter. Let's start out with classes. I finished first semester with a 3.4 GPA, and I haven't gotten my grades yet for this semester. I probably could have done better in a few of my classes. I did pass all of them though. I thought I had decided what I wanted to do with my life... leave it to an offhand comment to throw all of my plans off track. I am definitely doing Theatre and Early Childhood Education for my B.A. After that though, I'm kind of lost. I will most likely end up getting my Master's degree. Here is the kicker though, I think I may want to go into higher education administration. That's what my dad does. It just makes sense to me. Then again, maybe I will get my Master's in Acting and teach theatre. I don't think I will go to grad school right out of college though. I want to act first. I have loved most of my classes, and most of my teachers. I like to learn. I could work a little harder though.
Now for friends. People always told me that high school would be the best four year of my life. They were so so very wrong. College has been the best year of my life so far. The friends that I have made, I don't know how I could live without them. This summer is going to be super difficult, just because I'm not living with them. They have taught me so much about myself and about life in general. I love all of my Converse girls from the very bottom of my heart.
Speaking of hearts, let's discuss the state of my love life briefly. So I came out of a bad relationship at the beginning of the year. I was torn up about it, but maybe not as much as I usually am. I decided that I needed to be single for a little bit. I made for 8 months before I started looking again. Maybe I've found something... That is all I have to say about that.
The pictures, the memories, the friends. Those are what is important. Those are what I will have forever. And you know what? I'm pretty sure next year may even be able to top this one :)

XOXO

Let Me Be Your Star

So, I've started watching this new show that NBC is putting out called SMASH. It's about the backstage world of Broadway: auditions, workshops, show writing, affairs. It makes me realize that I am so small. I would love to be on Broadway someday. Or even in the movies. But something about live theatre just thrills me to bits. For two hours you have a special relationship with the hundreds of people in the audience. I love it. For two hours I'm the center of attention. I revel in it. For two hours I am loved. It's what keeps me alive. This is why I am a theatre major. Am I aware that there are a million other people trying to do the same thing? Yes. Am I aware that there are better people then me? Of course! However, I do think that someday there is going to be a part that is mine. All mine. And I will find it and I will take it and that will be when everything I have worked for since I was in 1st grade has paid off. After saying all this I realize that I sound so sure of myself. I promise I'm not. I'm scared to death. There are so many things that could go wrong. There are so many critics who say that I'm not pretty enough, not talented enough, not thin enough, my voice is too low, my accent is terrible, there are other people better than me, et cetera and so on. You name it, I have probably heard it. All I can really do is learn and practice. This is my answer to the people who ask me why I'm crazy enough to do three plays at once. Currently, I am Little Lanette Blossom in Last Days at the Dixie Girl Cafe, Shamelessly Lazy Person in the Gluttony play for Seven Play for Seven Sins, and La Maestra y Encapuchado Septimo in Los Papeles del Infierno (I don't speak Spanish). Besides these, I will continue to expand my horizons and search for my part.

In the Dark

Today is one of those days where I disconnect with the world. I stay by myself. I don't understand what's going on around me and I don't want to. I wrap myself in my fantasy world because the real world is too much right now. My friends think I'm just being silly when they call my name and I don't listen and I stare into space and wander down the road. But I'm not. I was once told by someone that if they saw me being unhappy, they would be seriously worried about me. You know, sometimes I'm not happy. And it's okay. Sometimes I cry for no reason and I'm fine. I'm always fine. I'm never not fine. I'm fine disengaging because I can't handle looking the truth in the face. My heart is broken and I don't know if it will ever fix itself. I can't get over it. And since I know that only one or two people are reading this I can say what I have needed to since you stopped talking to me. E.M: I'm sorry. I'm so so so sorry. I didn't mean it and I didn't want it to happen. And I love you. I love you more than I ever realized. And I miss you. It's like a piece of my heart is gone, because it is. And I want things to go back to the way that they used to be. But more than anything, I want you to talk to me again. Because it has been a year since you started ignoring me, and it is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. And I know you meant it that way. But I forgive you, because it is all my fault.

That's it. It's off my chest. Time for Romance and Cigarettes.

No Pain, No Gain... Oy

So, for the new year I decided to get healthy. And I am not going to break this resolution like I have every other time. I have a group of hallmates that I'm working out with every day, and here is the real kicker: I'm giving up Coke. It's literally one of the hardest things I have had to do. But I know I will feel better for it. Most people keep telling me that I can't do it, which really sucks because I don't exactly think that I can. To be told that I can't is just kind of adding insult to injury. If you would like to see me succeed, please tell me that I can do it, because the negative energy isn't working out.

Back to the Grindstone

So, Jan Term sounded like fun. I only have to take one class for a month and the rest of the time I just chill. But it's only the first day and I am bored out of my freaking mind!!! This could be because I haven't started class yet. That's tonight. So far today, I have practiced yoga, done Tai Chi, eaten lunch, organized my binders, and am getting ready to go to the gym. And it's only 1. I don't have class until 6 this evening. I think I'm gonna watch Shrek. If I don't find something to do, I may possibly go insane.

A New Year

So, today is my last day of vacation. Tomorrow I head back to school and to everyone that I love and miss so much. A new year is pretty exciting for me. But when I found out what tragedy has struck other people, it makes me feel so grateful for what I have. A friend of mine lost her brother yesterday. I don't know what I would do if I ever lost my sister. A year ago today, my Senior class lost a classmate. His death brough us closer together. He didn't die in vain. No one does. My wish for the new year is that everyone I love stays happy and healthy. And that those who are suffering can be relieved from it.